me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
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Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Sharon I have some bad news
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course