Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
You Might Also Like
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.