I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
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Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
WWE is French for “yes”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.