[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
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Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Not😆🤣
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”