I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Sorry. Not sorry
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month