“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
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Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga