“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
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Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me