If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
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I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
stop
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…