Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
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*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.