before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
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If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Ferrari squats
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol