8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
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When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.