Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
You Might Also Like
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either