Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.