A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
You Might Also Like
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Bond. Trauma bond.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Everyone’s family
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”