*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
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Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.