It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
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Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Bread puns are on the rise!
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
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