“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
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[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven