The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
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HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
It was worth a shot 😂
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar