You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
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Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*