Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.