Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
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My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.