When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
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kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.