Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
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I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.