“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
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*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.