Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.