ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER