‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
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[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.