Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
You Might Also Like
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.