TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
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Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”