As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
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You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Florida man
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
That de-escalated quickly
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Merry Christmas
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?