A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
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I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”