It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
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Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
guilty
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.