bury ourselves
You Might Also Like
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Not messing around
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.