This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
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*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
whatcha thinkin bout
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
*puts words between two asterisks*
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds