I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
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[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*offers Batman cough drops*
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.