8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..