When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
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My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.