I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself