This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
You Might Also Like
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
You sure about that?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.