birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
So creative 😂
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
is this how new cars are made??
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.