What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
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Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
They’re on their honeymoon
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.