My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Lucky old June.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
yes yes a thousand times yes!