Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
You Might Also Like
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Noted.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.