I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.