Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
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*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
The asteroid..
oh my god
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.