PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
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murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Wednesday
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
That de-escalated quickly
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.