Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I can also cook 😂
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Usage Guidelines
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My inexpensive home security system…
what’s really going on
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.