*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
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*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
me when the borders lift
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My dog learned how to text
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers