The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
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A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.