[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
You Might Also Like
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.